Final Entry

I would like to thank all the people who made this trip possible and those who made it wonderful. If I've missed anyone out I'm sorry but I have a photo upload limit :-(.

Firstly I'd like to thank my mum and dad for helping me out financially and making this possible in spite of the global credit crunch and my house sale falling through.

Thanks Mum!

Thanks Dad!

Secondly I'd like to thank the group I came with.

Thanks Jan and Garry - if you hadn't of planned this I'm not sure it would have ever happened.

Thanks Sara and Ollie - hope you had a great a time as I did.

Thanks Beck and Paul - I needed some single guys with me. Whens the next hol?

Thanks Elliot and Suzie - Bet you wish you'd stayed for the month

Thanks David and Carol - Dave - I'm going to need copies of those photos!

Thirdly I'd like to thank those people I met along the way.

Emma, Claire, Yelsel & Shelley - it was great to see you again - kind of a Cuba re-union.

Hugh, cheers for putting up with me / looking after me / getting me smashed and introducing me to all your friends.

Guy, thanks for getting me out of the bar - looking forward to seeing you in England whenever that may be.

Johnny - Hope you get better quick mate. You took too much man, You took too much....

Genna - You are lovely and great company. Hope you have a great time in Korea - and pass that test :-P

Aisleyne - (Hope I got your name right) Thanks for staying up drinking all night with me. Shame we didn't have some more time to spend together.

And a final thankyou to all those people who played the smaller parts in making my holiday so much fun. I'm sure there is a photo of you somewhere on my facebook account. It's with a heavy heart I return to England.

Bridge over the River Kwai and Big Cats

Last night I was supposed to get an early night. However, I found a game called Manhunt 2 on
the PSP sooo addictive (the one that got banned in the UK for being too gory) that I stayed
up till 3am playing it. Well, I have to maximise my time in Thailand - I'll sleep on the
plane home.

I awoke at 6am after receiving my wake up call and made my way down to reception. The pick
up was 30 minutes late. Little things like that annoy me. Had I known I could have got some
more shut eye. Nevermind.

We drove round and collected more people. There was a group of French Canadians - what a
strange bunch they are. There was also a Japanese couple. I had asked for a group excursion
so that I could interact with people. However, the Japs didn't speak English and the French
Canadians didn't seem to want to speak English. Just like the real French. Nevermind I
thought and fell asleep on the 150Km drive to the river Kwai. We got soo close to Burma I
could almost touch it - and probably would have done had I brought my papers.
First we went to the Kanchanaburi Cemetery where the soldiers who died building the bridge
during the war were buried. Around half the graves were British. There was around 35% Dutch
- which surprised me. The remained er where Australian peppered with the odd other small
commonwealth country. Where were all the Americans? I'm sure they featured in the film?
Maybe I'm wrong.

Next we made our way to the museum. Where I looked at human remains and guns and such from the war. All the original Japanese bikes & cars to barbers chairs were there. They all had
big Japanese flags painted on them and the word JAPANESE written under the flag in the Roman alphabet. That's odd I thought - but no one was around to answer my questions.

Next it was off to the bridge itself. It's not the original bridge as that was destroyed -
but it is a faithful recreation of it. Its a railway bridge about 2 metres wide and a couple
of hundred metres long. It consists of a set of tracks, large wooden sleepers and a metal
walk way just wide enough for one person to walk along in the middle between the tracks.
This posed a real problem when encountering someone walking in the opposite direction. you
had to side step and stand on a sleeper. It was a huge drop either side. Not safe at all - I
wonder how many people fall off of it each year. I walked cautiously across it - well aware
that I am a clumsy person and I have also developed a oversensitivity to fear of death since
Johnny's accident. All the hand rails and escalators here are 6 inches too low. Every time I
look over one I feel my toes curl up as I am aware my centre of gravity is higher than the
rail. It will be nice to get back to the land of normal sized people. Anyway, I digress. As
people approached me I tried to use my superior size to make them side step me. Eventually I
made it to the other side where I was greeted by an elephant and a person selling postcards.
I decided to make my way back. The current of people seemed to be going my way on the way
back and I was back on Terra Firma in around 5 minutes. I took some time out to purchase
some DVDs - I know I can get them off of the net - but I'm just lazy.

Next we took the train along the River Kwai to a floating restaurant. This is the first time
I have travelled by train in Thailand. Initially I felt quite happy just sitting on my
wooden seat with the wind blowing in my face. Happy that it wasn't a rainy day and that the
windows were open. There is no air conditioning on the train. About half way through our
journey we encountered some kind of dust storm and I had to keep my eyes closed whilst
little Thai children around me cried because their eyes hurt.

Fortunately at this point the French Canadians and Japs were swapped for a young English couple from Surrey and some middle aged Australians. Oh joy people to talk to! We chatted as we had lunch and then I was told I was the only person from my group going to the tiger temple.
Argh! I'd only just met some people to talk to - we hadn't even exchanged names. Nevermind I
thought thrilled by the thought of touching a tiger and made my way to my personal minibus.
On arrival at the tiger temple I was merged into a new group. I got talking to two Canadian
girls called Sarah and Megan I decided to knock about with them. They seemed really nice -
in fact all the Canadians I have met have seemed really nice. I really should make the
effort to visit the place one day.

We made our way down into what seemed like a quarry where it was in excess of 40 degrees.
There were fans there to cool you down - they even sprayed water at you. However, a slight
breeze and an excessive amount of dust soon meant I was caked in a light brown powder goo.
There were around 6 or 7 tigers just lying in front of us on the rocks. I paid for a special
photo and took my new found friends down to have their photos done with the tigers.
They lay its head on my lap whilst I stroked it. What placid creatures they are. The people
who worked there assured me that this was because of the hot temperatures. However, I am more inclined to believe that they are off their heads on smack. I absolutely loved spending time with these fantastic beasts. I may even start to like cats again.

Next it was off to have photos done with the cubs. They are sooo cute. There were two of them fighting over a piece of rope. After having our photos taken with them we made our way round to see the other creatures. There were water buffalo, cows, horses, goats and pigs. Perfect food for a tiger, I thought.

Eventually we made our way back to the minibus where I was once again separated from people to talk to and put in another bus full of foreigners. Again I slept on the three hour journey home. I awoke to find I'd dribbled all over myself. Nice. Particularly when you are going to have a suit fitted up. As we were running late I made my way straight to the tailors instead of freshening up. I looked a state but they were very nice to me and let me use their facilities and even their Internet.

Its my final night and I'm off out with a girl I met a couple of weeks ago who doesn't like being mentioned on the Internet for some reason???? so shall remain anonymous. I'm sure its going to be a fun night.

A Grand Palace day out.

When I got downstairs I was greeted by my guide for the day. Her name was Nancy a middle aged Chinese woman. She asked me if I was Mr Walker. I said yes and she showed me to my car. I also had a driver all of my own for the day. This isn't bad for a freebie I thought. They treat you well when you book into somewhere nice.

As we drove through Bangkok Nancy answered all my questions about the city. For example did you know that Thai people have a lucky colour for each day of the week. On Mondays it is Yellow. Anyway, I was sure her name wasn't Nancy so when she asked what my first name was I said the first thing that came into my head. "Spok" I replied. It seemed like the logical thing to do. I'm quite used to the Thai people calling me Mr Garry. I find it quite endearing. When she started calling me Mr Spok I almost pissed myself with laughter. She wasn't too sure what was so funny and I composed myself as we made our way down to the canals.

We hired a boat and I was taken around the floating markets. Mondays aren't a good day for floating markets apparently. I bought myself a bottle of coke and a loaf of bread to feed the catfish and that was it. The catfish all congregate around the riverside temples as fishing is forbidden there. Smart fish eh? Some are up to a metre long. The river is a nasty green colour and smells bad, sounds like one of my fish tanks.

When that was finished and I had returned to dry land I made my way to the grand palace. Its a series of temples and palaces used throughout the ages by the Thai monarchy. It was all very pretty but once you've seen one temple you've seen them all. For 2 hours Nancy told me about kings I had never heard of and wars that I didn't know had ever happened. The one highlight was the scale model of Angkor Wat (apparently Cambodia was a part of Thailand till the French stole it). I'd been very intent on seeing Cambodia but circumstances dictated otherwise. Eventually very hot and bothered I asked Nancy to take me somewhere cooler. We ended up in a jewellery shop - argh! She said it was a good place to look. I said only because you get paid for it. She confessed that she did and asked if I would visit one more before we continued. Fair enough I thought. Its not like I have anything better to do. Three jewellery shops later I was getting bored and I asked Nancy if she would take me to buy a suit for work. We tried three places and I eventually managed to beat an Indian man named Raj down to 50 pounds per tailored cashmere wool suit - that's Matalan prices! I took two. The cloth said it was made in Italy. I suspect that isn't true but it felt great anyway. They have retained my measurements and say they can FedEx new ones to me for 20 pounds in the future. Happy days - I must remember not to get any fatter. I've been measured up and have to return tomorrow for fitting. I also decided to have 5 shirts tailor made at a cost of 10 pounds each. Apparently they are made from Egyptian cotton - which I'm told is good - again it felt nice. I think I'm going to have to throw away a pair of shoes to stay under the weight limit. Although on my return I will try and put all the heavy stuff in my hand luggage.

From there it was off to the MBK centre to buy a cracked PSP. Its a games machine and games normally cost 30 pounds each. I have got over 200 games for it and now have the technology to crack PSP's a business which were it not illegal in the UK I'm would be very very profitable. Not that I'd ever do anything like that :-)

Tomorrow I'm off to the infamous River Kwai by train and then to the tiger temple in the afternoon before coming back for my fitting. Fun fun fun.

Return of the blog

First of all appologies for not writing on my blog sooner. Its been a hectic week. The new year festivities here lasted almost a week. My friends and I took full advantage of the festival to go to as many beach parties as possible. My arm had started to heal up, I'd made lots of new friends and everything was going really well.

One night Johnny, Guy, Hugh and myself made our way down to a party on the beach about 15 minutes drive from the bar. I was driven down there on the back of a motorbike by Johnny it was bigger than the scooters I had been used to riding around on. I decided to leave early as I was pissed and sleepy. As Hugh was entertaining a young lady I decided to sleep down on the beach. When I awoke in the middle of the night I found I was surrounded by dogs. At first I was a little concerned by this as I thought they might want to eat me. I looked to my left. All the dogs looked left. I looked to my right and the dogs all looked right. I was the leader of the pack. If I heard a noise one of the dogs would wander off to investigate and come back and let me know everything was OK. I felt very safe. Then I thought maybe they have fleas and moved myself up to the seating area of the bar. The dogs followed. I was very sleepy so I just decided to let them sleep at my feet.

When I awoke the next morning Hugh asked me where Johnny was. I explained that I had left early. He said no one had seen him since last night. We scoured the island for a while looking for him and eventually decided to check the hospital as Hugh had said he drove past a crash on the way home the night before.

Sure enough we found Johnny in the hospital. I don't think that anyone was prepared for the severity of his injuries though. He had a large hole in his forehead above his eye, a gaping wound on the back of his head, broken fingers, deep cuts all over his knees and that was only what we could see.

As Johnny didn't have his insurance papers on him at the time of the crash no effort had been made to get him to a better hospital - the Koh Lanta one is for little more than minor ailments. He had lay in the bed untreated for 10 hours before we provided the documentation. As soon as we did the wheels were in motion and Johnny was taken to Bangkok International Hospital - which strangely enough is in Phuket (not Bangkok).

I wasn't able to go with him but decided to catch the next ferry over to see him. When I got there I found he was in the intensive care unit. This doesn't seem good I thought. I made my way up to his room whilst a helpful porter carried all of my luggage behind me. When I got there I found Johnny asleep. He had tubes everywhere, I mean everywhere. He was hooked up to one of those machines that goes ping. I tried to interpret the information on screen but with little success. He briefly awoke and tried to sit up - that was when I realised he had been restrained by ropes around his arms and legs. He let out a blood curdling moan and looked straight through me before passing out again. I found it very distressing.

I asked the doctor what the problem was and she explained that he had a severe blow to the head which in addition to his cuts and bruises had caused a brain contusion. This is essentially a brusing of the brain matter - when you hit your head hard you generally get one on the front and back of the brain where it has rebounded off the scull. It wasn't bleeding - but it was swelling and this can easily fatal if not treated.

The next 24 hours were a waiting game to see if things started to improve. I had a flight booked for the 20th and wasn't sure what to do if Johnny didn't start to improve. We started getting word that more people were on their way to see him and I deciced that in that case I probably would go - as there was little I could do to help and Johnny didn't even seem to know I was there.

The night before I was due to leave we visited Johnny and he actually spoke to us. He explained that his head really really hurt and that he needed some paracetomol. Then he asked the time and asked if he could go home. I was very encouraged by this and slept better that night. Well I would have done if I hadn't sat up with a bunch of Irish girls all night. We had booked ourself in to the On On Hotel in Phuket. It was made famous by the film the Beach - its at the start of the film when Leo gets given the map. Conditions there were marginally better than in the actual film - but it was only 3 pounds per night.

The next morning Johnny was finally moved out of ICU - a sure sign that he was getting better and I made my way to the airport to fly back to Bangkok. I arrived and booked myself into a swanky hotel. I have my own sink, toilet, washing machine, DVD player, stove, dining area and a nice double bed. Its been a while since I enjoyed one of them. I should really have slept as the previous few days I had had virtually no sleep and it was nearly 11pm - but instead decided to go out for a drink as this was the first time I had been alone since the holiday started really and in Phuket there was a total ban on alcohol whilst the local elections were carried out.

I made my way down to the Ko San Road - a famous tourist hangout. I found a bar with two live acoustic guitarists. I sat and listened to them sing for an hour or so before I met a group of Irish guys who seemed very interested in my travelling stories. I sat and talked with them till 2am and then made my way back to the hotel where I watched the discovery channel till stupid o'clock.

That was a bad idea really as I had an early start today. A day trip to the grand palace - it was complimentary when I booked my 3 nights at the hotel. It's something to do that doesn't involve a bar, I thought. They are actually a lot easier to stay out of when you aren't with your mates. I awoke early and pulled myself toghether. I made my way downstairs to meet my tour guide for the day. But thats another blog.....

Thai New Year

The last few days are a drunken haze ..... The locals are celebrating the new year... Basically you throw water at people all day long and drink too much...Happy days......

Yesterday the girls arrived. They were tired so didnt come out drinking ..... Im expecting them at the bar today....

Ive managed to damage my arm quite badly - after falling into a pond whilst pissed. There was lots of blood but it seems to be healing up well. Nevermind huh?

Not much else has happened - which is the way I like it.

Hughs Bar

I'm currently quite pissed so I'll keep this short. I said goodbye to the group yesterday as most people were making there way to Bangkok. I took the ferry at 7AM to ko lanta having pulled an all nighter out of the bag. On my last night in phuket I met some lovely girls from Switzerland. Their names escape me.

I'm staying at the bar - which means free accommodation however it also means I'm going to drink to much. 25 bottles so far and its only been one day. Also, it is Thai new year tomorrow so everyone is up for a party. I suspect for me it will be just another day. Lets hope Hugh can keep me amused.

Guy (Hugh's brothers) is out here too. We had several drinks before he went home. There is a great ex-pat community here and I have enjoyed the company of all Hugh's friends very much.

I probably wont have much to report over the coming days as I intend to take it easy. I Hope everybody has a safe journey back and ill see them in a couple of weeks. Beer time!

Phuket lobster and other animals.

Today I arranged to go on a minibus tour of Phuket with Jan, Garry, Dave and Carol. We left the others behind to sleep off their hangovers. Lightweights.....

We were initially driven to an observation point that has spectacular views of the island of Phuket. We hung around taking loads of photos whilst bemused locals looked at us. I felt like the western equivalent of a Japanese tourist with their camera. We passed another sea eagle that was posing for photos and as it was a slightly better specimen that the one yesterday I paid out again to have my photo taken with it.

From there it was off to a sea shell and fossil museum. I found this a little dull. However I was glad to get out of the oppressive heat and humidity. I was further disappointed that all the fossils were in fact collected in France and Morocco. Why? All of the islands here are made of limestone which is sedimentary. Surely they could have some local specimens. Alas no. I was also expecting to see the worlds largest golden pearl. It was unpolished and the nearest thing I could compare it to was a milk chocolate malteser. Pah!

After that it was off to a beach side restaurant that served a wide range of food from both east and west. I decided to indulge in the world renowned Phuket lobster (I'm told its not actually a lobster but a species of crayfish and as such it lacked the large front claws you see on other lobsters). There were several lobsters in the tank - I was given a large one. I became concerned that it was going to be very expensive as it costs around 4 to 5 pounds per 100 grams. I decided what the hell, My budget is 40 pounds per day - why not waste half on a lobster (10 years ago it would have cost little more than my companions meals. However, overfishing has depleted supplies). It was served steamed with garlic. I couldn't believe how much garlic they put in it. It tasted gorgeous. The girls are going to love me tonight. I was unable to finish all the garlic - there must have been around 10 cloves in there. Some stray cats came and sat with me and I fed them my excess garlic. Have you ever known a cat to eat garlic? I then wrapped a chili up in lobster entrails in the hope they would gulp it down to. They turned their noses up at it. Carol doesn't like cats (neither do I really, hence the chili). I think Dave and I might have upset her a little bit. After a quick Singha it was off to the jewellery store again. I'm getting pissed off with that place. However, I now have a better understanding of why I am constantly being taken there. They subsidise the minibus hire if the driver takes me there. Otherwise its an extra 16 pounds per day. They do a lovely free iced coffee so I suppose I shouldn't complain.

From there it was to a temple. The architecture was nice but I'm not really a fan of religion of any form. I must say the highlight was purchasing some gold leaf to help cover a non-gold Buddha statue. I did so and apparently good luck will come my way soon.

From there Garry and Jan went to a hotel to meet one of his golf buddies whilst Dave and myself who are keen aquarists went to the Phuket Aquarium to look at fish. I wont bore you with the details - but will say it was a great experience. All of the local fish are there as are some from other parts of the world such as phiranas (they were about 3 times the size of my own ones). We walked through a glass tunnel in a shark and ray tank and then encountered some huge fish who's names escape me.

Finally we met up with Garry and Jan again who informed us they had been unsuccessful in their friend finding mission and returned back to the hotel.

The idea was to round up people for a boat ride to a secluded beach to watch the sunset. The only taker outside of the minibus group was Sara. Together we made our way down to Patong beach and hired the longboat for 2 hours for around 22 pounds. He took us a long way down the Phuket coast and we circumnavigated an island before returning. The sunset was great and I would have got some better pictures were it not for the constant spray from the side of the boats.

As we returned to the hotel I phoned my nan to see how she was. When we got back the guys had a beer by the pool whilst the girls had a new wave cocktail. Everybody left and Garry assured me he would be back in 10 minutes to have another beer with me. I sat alone and listened to the pianist. "Where you from? Australia?" he asked. So its not only Americans that think that I thought. "No, England" I replied proudly. Ah! he said "Princess Diana, Princess Diana!" and broke into song. It was that terrible remake of candle in the wind. I didn't have the heart to tell him I didn't care much for the lady. " Very good woman" he repeated about 10 times. I smiled nicely. Where was Garry? Then an Aussie called Scot came and sat next to me. "G'day mate!" he said. I looked at him and noticed he had shaved his entire head except a square section around the size of a playing card above his right ear. I decided not to mention it. We discussed the difference between transience and permanence and the nature of self in a Buddhist context for around an hour. He finished the conversation by saying "don't worry mate - you'll find love". Where did that come from? Where was Garry? At that point Dave came and rescued me by informing me Garry had forgotten about me and was in another bar slightly worse for wear drinking tequila. Thanks Garry.

Im off to Molly Malones to say goodbye to everyone. We all make our separate ways tomorrow and I will be alone. Im going to Ko Lanta to stay with my ex work colleague Hugh. Im hoping we will enjoy a quieter 2 weeks than I have with my family. I'm going to miss everyone. But hopefully they will READ MY BLOG AND WRITE TO ME? I'll see them all again in 2 weeks. Don't forget to send me your photos guys!

Animal Adventures

Yesterday we had nothing planned as a group. Janet was feeling the pressure of being group coordinator and Garry was getting on her nerves. I said goodbye to the girls and Garry and myself went down to the beach to hire a boat (to get out of Jans hair for a bit). Along the way we stopped at a bar, then another bar and another bar. We never hired the boat. I should have gone back to the hotel at that point and sobered up for the evening. However, I met the guys in Molly Malones bar and sat drinking with them whist we were entertained by the bar staff. A man called Peepee showed us magic tricks as we drank with the help of his assistant and barmaid Crazy. I'm told its not her real name - she just likes the word.

I should have gone back to the hotel at that point and sobered up for the night time. However, the guys were going to a go go bar - and a powerful force inside me told me to carry on drinking. I haven't actually drunk very much at all on this holiday - it's hard to in the oppressive heat. That and the fact that bars close at 2am. This was a problem I was soon going to learn to circumvent.

We played jenga and connect 4 with the bar girls for a while and drank more. I started talking to a man called Stuart who lives over here. He gave me the lowdown on which of the bar girls were lady boys - I relaxed a little and decided to have a perv. "That ones nice isn't she" I commented. "That's my fiance" he replied. Why would you let your fiance work in a place like this I thought? It's essentially a glorified brothel. He seemed happy enough with the situation - I guess it takes all sorts. Every time you beat the girls at a game they get you a drink. If they beat you then you have to buy them a lady drink (any drink from the menu - it just costs around 3 times as much as a normal one). We won continuously Eventually sick of the go go bar we wandered the streets of Patong having a drink in a few different bars. I should have gone home at that point and got some sleep. However, we came across an ice bar. Essentially its a big freezer and inside everything is made of ice. The chairs, the bar and even the glasses. We had been to one before - but this one was a cool -17 degrees. After a shot of something apple flavoured we returned to the heat of the streets - I've never been so grateful for it to be so hot.

After some more wandering we bumped into Garry, Jan, Sara, Ollie and Suzie. We drank more with them and about 1.30am we had another torrential downpour. I bought a plastic poncho and continued with my drinking mission. The football was on at 1.45am and some of the guys wanted to watch it. We wandered around looking for bars that were still open to no avail. It was then that I came across a street vendor. Oooooh! these people sell late night Shinga beer I thought and knocked back two more. Everything then goes black and I awoke the next morning in my hotel room. A little grin came over my face - I was proud of myself for making it home. Then the headache and nausea started.

I changed my clothes as i was still wearing last nights outfit and made my way down to the hotel reception with thunder crashing in my head. Jan kindly gave me some paracetamol and I got into the minibus to enjoy a day sampling the activities you can do on Phuket island. Unfortunately due to another card error all last nights photos are lost. I was hoping they could have shed some light on where I went to.

The first stop was the All Terrain Vehicle Centre. We arrived early and had to wait for the previous party to bring the vehicles back. As we were next door to a snake centre I decided to watch the show. A Thai man taunted cobras, king cobras and pythons as we sat and watched. Some of the snakes that bites contain neurotoxin can kill you in 30 minutes. The nearest hospital was 40 minutes away. I'm told that a snake charmer died last week - although that was in a road accident so it doesn't really count.

I was sitting next to Carol and the snake man offered to wrap the constrictor around our legs. "OK" we said and they coiled the snake around my left and her right leg 3 times. I was reminded of the 3 legged race we used to do at primary school. It was a strange sensation - I could feel all the muscles in the snake as it wriggled around our legs. "Try and struggle" suggested the man. I did and the snake immediately upped the pressure. To the point where I nearly wanted to yelp in pain. I'm not sure how Carol tolerated it. As he unwrapped us he explained that through holding his head away from us the snake was only able to exert about 10% of its maximum pressure. I'm sure that that sort of force would have quite easily snapped my leg bone.

Round the back of the centre there was an enclosure. I watched a few crocodiles, saw various other snakes and animals. When outside I decided to pay to have my photo taken with the Burmese python and a sea eagle.

By the time I had done this the ATV's were ready. The instructor told me to follow him and we all sped off up the road. I was a little concerned that I was driving on a public road and don't have a license - but as no one had mentioned it I decided not to either. Also I was still half cut. I enjoyed using the ATV I just wish we could have had a little longer on the track we went to. I think were going to go again tomorrow. Fun!

From there it was to the Elephant park. We watched a show where the elephants stood on their front legs, back legs etc....Then the entertainer asked us if we wanted to participate. Paul volunteered to go in goal whilst the elephants took turns at penalty shots. Paul didn't manage to save one. As he returned to the crowd the entertainer asked if anybody would like an elephant massage. I put my hand up immediately. I was asked to lay on my belly and let the elephant put its foot on my back. I was a little apprehensive. But this huge beast was very gentle with me. I can only compare it to being patted softly on the back. He then asked it to give me a kiss - which it did. It's trunk reached around to my face and it sucked on my cheek - nasty. The man then asked Paul to return to the stage. This time he had to lay on his belly. As soon as Paul was on the floor the man placed two bananas in each of Paul's short and the elephant went looking. I suppose if I had an elephant massage - Paul had the happy finish.

Next it was off to the monkey show. I watched them ride bikes, dive underwater and collect coconuts from the nearby trees. The monkey thing is really starting to loose its appeal now. However, I still want one as a pet. An impossible dream in England but as simple as dog ownership in Thailand.

I was starting to feel really hungry now - and was still under the weather from last nights frivolities. My mum phoned and we had a short chat whilst I got ready for my elephant ride. As there are only 3 single guys on this holiday I managed to bag an elephant all to myself. The others went in pairs one to the left one to the right. But I was able to sit proudly on the middle of mine. Someone commented I looked king like. It's about time people started noticing.

After a 15 minute ride we dismounted. We were now going for a short jungle trek to a waterfall. Oh good! I thought - this will give me an opportunity to scope out the jungle where I intend to do a good stink of next week. I thought also that maybe the canopy would provide some welcome shelter from the overbearing sunshine.

The jungle was not what I expected. I suspect that my previous perception of the jungle was romanticized by television and books like the Jungle Book. I always considered it a fun and exciting place to be. The noise of animals was overwhelming - there are insects there that sound like circular saws and have about the same volume. 5 minutes into the trek I started to become completely overwhelmed by the heat and humidity. The canopy does not provide shelter from the sun. It locks in all its heat and I don't think its possible for the air to get any more humid. We wandered past a gibbon rehabilitation centre and I said hello to a few of its residents. By the time we reached the waterfall I was drenched head to toe in sweat and starting to become very confused and disorientated (I'm sure the 15+ pints I knocked back yesterday played a large part in this). I was disappointed that the waterfall was a slow trickle and they told me to come back in monsoon season if I wanted to see it in its full glory. I was assured there were no leaches in the pool under the waterfall and took a quick dip to cool off. As my brain returned to normal functionality I sat and watched Thai children jump from the rocky outcrop 30 feet above me into the pool I was sitting in.

Feeling slightly better I made my way out of the jungle. It was mostly downhill back and the thought of a glass of water kept me going. I drank two litres when we finally made it back to the man village. I'm never going to return to the jungle ever again. It's an evil and inhospitable environment suitable only for billions of biting ants, nasty reptiles and snakes who you would not want a bite from and the occasional Thai person who is foraging or extracting rubber from the abundant rubber trees. I have cancelled my jungle trek and instead intend to enjoy the luxury of a decent hotel for the next couple of weeks.

We got into the minibus and set off to our next location to do canoeing in a local estuary. I was considering sitting this one out as I felt like death - having been unable to eat since last night and just having endured the horror that is the jungle. However, when we got there I was pleased to see that if you wanted a Thai person would do all of the rowing for you. It's more of a gondola type service. We set off through the mangrove swamp looking out for jumping fish, fiddler crabs (them ones with one big and one small claw) and them strange missing link type fish that climb up out of the water onto the mud flats and walk along on their stumpy limbs.

On my return I went straight to McDonald's to rebuild myself. I'm feeling a little better now. But I'm absolutely shattered. Its an early night for me tonight. Although the boys are going out. Maybe I could have just one drink then?...